Just Random Encounters

I never got to finish tellin yall about all the things that happened on my trip to the beach...and lets leave it at that..overall it was a good trip and we made it back in one piece. but since ive been back my spring break has just consisted of working and chillin with my friends...cant remember anything stickin out as special but we have had some fun times lol.

Thursday was my homegirl bday so we got BLOWED! so out of it that we couldnt even talk to each other lol...just sittin in silence..to a point where we ended up callin it a night at around 1030....the night had barely started and we were through! but we enjoyed the day overall.

But since we didnt get to do everything she wanted to do for her bday we plan on just continuing it all weekend and makin sure its one to remember for her!

Beach Getaway

Its officially my last SPRING BREAK in high school..so im at the beach with some friends and family..and so far right now im having a good time..we havent done much yet cuz we just got here but i can already tell it will be an eventful trip..

Last night (our first night here) we all wanted to go out but we have so many people that we couldnt all fit in one car so we decided to hang out in the parking deck until we felt like walking the strip..well that was sort of short lived because then security came and told us we had to leave because there was no "hanging out" in the parking deck..lol overall it was a funny situation because the guy was really upset it seemed like..

And that was only night 1 we have 3 more days left and i can tell its gonna be a lil hectic..but i promise to keep you tuned on my beach getaway!

Why am I Afraid?

This guy that im really feeling recently told me he keeps his heart out for love to find it..and if u know me u know thats completely opposite of me..i keep my heart guarded and locked away because i dont wanna get hurt....i never wanna give a person a chance to even try to break it.

Like most girls I've had boyfriends in the past where i truly loved them and really couldnt picture being without them..but as u can see im doing fine without them *hence the fact that im single* but i can also say that they never had my heart...they never had me wanting to willingly be around them all the time...they were never always on my mind..they never gave me butterflies every time i was with them...and yet i stayed with them until i just couldnt hide it anymore...

So needless to say im tired of that pattern...i honestly feel that the next guy i go with seriously is going to be somebody worthy enough to get my heart and im going to trust them enough to not play with it or break it...i really hope it works!

Tell me how u really feel

So if u know me u know what's been going on recently in my life and Ive talked about it with certain people but something still isn't sitting right with me so i figured id blog about it to vent all my feelings and frustrations...

LIFE is HARD! i cant recall a time that Ive cried so much over things i cant control before...i was recently told by 2 of my closest friends (they know who they are) that i wasn't being a good friend to them....i swear out of my whole 18 years of life i don't think Ive ever been that hurt..so many ppl kept telling me to let it go its their lost and all these encouraging things to help me figure out the thoughts in my head...

but it hasn't worked...i mean these 2 ppl have affected my life in a way i believe nobody else can..i did things for them that i wouldn't and didn't do for my own family...and i believe they know this...so many guys Ive lost because my friends always came first and so many lies i told just to spend time with them..

so I'm wondering what in the world did i do that would classify me as not being a good friend even after all of that stuff...and u know i still don't know..and i cant say that I'm trying to find out anymore...i learned that ppl usually hold how they feel in until something happens and they get mad then that's when all the truth about how they really feel comes out..

so where I'm at now is like i guess they told me how they really felt and I'm sorry things even had to come to that for them to get that across but as of right now i can no longer put myself in a place where i allow myself to be stressed out over being something that i know i am already

Saddens My Heart

So recently in North Carolina a 5 year old girl went missing according to her mother on the morning of Tuesday, November 10th. Amber alerts were issued in hopes to find the little girl and bringing her back home safely. Well with further investigation some suspicions of the mother arouse and she was later charged with human trafficking, felony child abuse, prostitution and filing a false police report. According to investigations she had sold her 5 year old to a man, who was later seen with the child at a hotel, for him to molest her. They later arrested the man who was identified as Mario Mcneill, but he refused to give up any information about the whereabouts of the child. But today, November 16th, almost a week later, the body of the little girl was found right outside of Sanford, NC.

This is such a tragic ending to this story, all of the things this child went through during her last days of such a young life. I just keep thinking of the fact that she was alone out there when she was found and before that she was with a man who only wanted to have sex with her. How is a 5 year old suppose to handle something like that? I wonder how many times throughout the day she cried to just go home and how many times he ignored her or told her no? I wonder if her mom knew this would be the outcome if she would still do it? I wonder why not her? why couldnt she sell herself and not her baby? A baby she carried for 9 months and for 4 years was not able to see because of her drug problem. Why wouldnt she want to make the best out of her childs life? Was she really that selfish? Is the power of drugs really that strong?

Letting it go && taking some ME time!

Im not sure whats been going on with me lately but I feel so damn unappreciated! like nothing I do has any value anymore or like people dont get me.

Ive never really been a people person and my mama tells me its because Im afraid of getting rejected by people, which is partially true. I might appear to be this girl who has a lot of friends and who loves to be in crowds but Im not. Im the girl with only 3 true friends and who loves to sit in her room with her tv and radio. I never needed all the attention most females need and Ive never really wanted it.

But at times I find myself longing for company. and even though my girls are the best and I wouldnt trade them for the world. Its hard to have a relationship when I spend most of my time with them. But the thing is, Im not ready to give it up. Im not ready to put a dude before them or blow them off because a dude wants to chill with me or something like that. it takes me so long
to open up to people that when i do find someone i can open up to i dont want to let them go, and thats how i feel about my girls.

I tell myself all the time that i want to be in a relationship and that im ready for love but to be honest with you and myself...Im not and idk when i will ever be..all the times ive been in a relationship where love was even mentioned i get suckered by the thought that this other person could actually be someone im with for a while and then something happens and its all over, just like that..the thing is that they let go with no problem where im the one holding on to the possiblility of us getting back together months and years later...I need to let it go...its getting me no where and its only hindering the future i could have with other guys.

So after todays events i have made it clear to myself and my friends that i need so "ME TIME" its nothing theyve done and im not gonna stop talkin to them..i just need to recollect myself...

Its crazy because im sitting here crying because i feel like i have lost myself in this life that used to be mine...but as i look back its not mine anymore idk who it belongs to but i need to get my old self back and the only way to do that is to step back and change all the things that have changed.

Just waking up

I just woke uo not to long ago..but i already feel my mind racing...im trying to figure out what today will belike and what events will take place....

Me and my girls supposed to be going to this party later on tonight..im kinda excited because i havent been to a party in durham in a min...i know itll probably be like all the other parties in the past but Lil Ru supposed to be performing at this party and his song "Nasty Song" is my favorite!! but who knows...we'll see when we get there!!

But besides that there are so many people i want to see today...idk how i would go about seeing them all but its the thought that counts and to know that i at least thought about coming to see you (whoever u are) should be enough..ill probably end up chillin in the house washing clothes until i leave tonight