Saddens My Heart

So recently in North Carolina a 5 year old girl went missing according to her mother on the morning of Tuesday, November 10th. Amber alerts were issued in hopes to find the little girl and bringing her back home safely. Well with further investigation some suspicions of the mother arouse and she was later charged with human trafficking, felony child abuse, prostitution and filing a false police report. According to investigations she had sold her 5 year old to a man, who was later seen with the child at a hotel, for him to molest her. They later arrested the man who was identified as Mario Mcneill, but he refused to give up any information about the whereabouts of the child. But today, November 16th, almost a week later, the body of the little girl was found right outside of Sanford, NC.

This is such a tragic ending to this story, all of the things this child went through during her last days of such a young life. I just keep thinking of the fact that she was alone out there when she was found and before that she was with a man who only wanted to have sex with her. How is a 5 year old suppose to handle something like that? I wonder how many times throughout the day she cried to just go home and how many times he ignored her or told her no? I wonder if her mom knew this would be the outcome if she would still do it? I wonder why not her? why couldnt she sell herself and not her baby? A baby she carried for 9 months and for 4 years was not able to see because of her drug problem. Why wouldnt she want to make the best out of her childs life? Was she really that selfish? Is the power of drugs really that strong?

Letting it go && taking some ME time!

Im not sure whats been going on with me lately but I feel so damn unappreciated! like nothing I do has any value anymore or like people dont get me.

Ive never really been a people person and my mama tells me its because Im afraid of getting rejected by people, which is partially true. I might appear to be this girl who has a lot of friends and who loves to be in crowds but Im not. Im the girl with only 3 true friends and who loves to sit in her room with her tv and radio. I never needed all the attention most females need and Ive never really wanted it.

But at times I find myself longing for company. and even though my girls are the best and I wouldnt trade them for the world. Its hard to have a relationship when I spend most of my time with them. But the thing is, Im not ready to give it up. Im not ready to put a dude before them or blow them off because a dude wants to chill with me or something like that. it takes me so long
to open up to people that when i do find someone i can open up to i dont want to let them go, and thats how i feel about my girls.

I tell myself all the time that i want to be in a relationship and that im ready for love but to be honest with you and myself...Im not and idk when i will ever be..all the times ive been in a relationship where love was even mentioned i get suckered by the thought that this other person could actually be someone im with for a while and then something happens and its all over, just like that..the thing is that they let go with no problem where im the one holding on to the possiblility of us getting back together months and years later...I need to let it go...its getting me no where and its only hindering the future i could have with other guys.

So after todays events i have made it clear to myself and my friends that i need so "ME TIME" its nothing theyve done and im not gonna stop talkin to them..i just need to recollect myself...

Its crazy because im sitting here crying because i feel like i have lost myself in this life that used to be mine...but as i look back its not mine anymore idk who it belongs to but i need to get my old self back and the only way to do that is to step back and change all the things that have changed.

Just waking up

I just woke uo not to long ago..but i already feel my mind racing...im trying to figure out what today will belike and what events will take place....

Me and my girls supposed to be going to this party later on tonight..im kinda excited because i havent been to a party in durham in a min...i know itll probably be like all the other parties in the past but Lil Ru supposed to be performing at this party and his song "Nasty Song" is my favorite!! but who knows...we'll see when we get there!!

But besides that there are so many people i want to see today...idk how i would go about seeing them all but its the thought that counts and to know that i at least thought about coming to see you (whoever u are) should be enough..ill probably end up chillin in the house washing clothes until i leave tonight

Lost Thoughts

So Im just sitting here in my bed and Ihave all these random thoughts going on in my head..Let me elaborate::

Recently life for me has been crazy/entertaining....a lot of things have happened that no body really knows about..

A couple of weeks ago my friends and i made a pact to become celibate and stay celibate until I graduate in June 2010..long time huh? tell me about it!!! there is nothing like saying u not gone do something when its not being offered to u but as soon as u tell yourself u not gone do it offers come in from left to right and front to back...so had to fight the temptation we had to keep pushing the date back just so we wouldnt break the pact. lol funny shit...but now we have it under control for the most part and we have been doing good we are always with each other so we can count on each other to keep the others in line...

Coming to our beach experience! This was the first trip me and my girls went on out of town together and boy did we have fun and get away from all the bull city drama...which was desperately needed...The room to say the least was crowded and in all we had 21 kids with us....talk about a babysitting service...but oh no because I drove i refused to be in a room the whole time doing nothing....each day we stayed in the room till about 6 or 8...then we went out to the strip..went to the club...and on the last night chilled wit sum dudes we met who happened to stay in Fayetteville...but nothing serious with that just a good time outside the room chillin with people who didnt know us and who we didnt know...left a lot of room for conversation abd conferences lol....but that was about it at the beach..

We've been home for about 3 days now and i feel like i never left really..like nothing has changed since ive been gone..the problems i had to deal with before i left never got resolved and they were here waiting for me when i returned...sucks right??? but oh well my vacay was good while it lasted...now its time to face reality and see that now its time to get serious...i need to buckle down and find me that person i can be with and want to be with...

I keep thinkin that maybe if i stop lookin someone will find me but it seems that when i stop they do too lol...but naw i dont really put myself out there like that so the only ppl i seem to attract are my exes...and i hate back trackin...there is only ONE guy i would back track on and he knows who he is...so i really dont knopw what to do with that..i guess i could put myself out there more..but there are some ppl and things im just not ready to let go of yet...

Where to Begin

So its been a while since the last time i gave an update to my life...and sooooo much has happened!!!

I still have a boyfriend who i have been with for a month...but im no longer into our relationship....our chemistry isnt there anymore and we hardly see each other now...I cant say he is doing something wrong thats why its like this because he isnt doing anything wrong..i just feel like im wasting his time because even though we got together because we both wanted the same thing out of a relationship...but i dont want them with him...

Truth is...im still madly in love with my ex and i cant get over him...honestly i dont think i want to..but how can i just give up on wat me and my bf have to try to go back to something that might not be there...i just cant give up on my ex because our history is sooo strong and so is our love..im just tryin now to gain his trust again since i was the reason we ended anyway...Everytime i think back to how we were i cant do anything but smile and cry because thats the only dude i know that loved me whole-heartedly and never did anything to hurt me and to know i gave up on all of that because i was selfish...

But now theres this other guy who is trying to persue me but he knows about my bf....he however doesnt know about my ex...but this dude is really sweet and it seems he really has my best interest at heart but i cant get into anythig setrios with him because it wouldnt be fair to him because he wouldnt have all of me....and i cant give him all of me even if i tried......

So now im stuck between a rock and a hard place.................

But on a better note i recently got another job!! its not a job that i would picture myself having but its money n the pocket so its better than nothing....just saving up so i can go out with my girls for spring break....CANT WAIT!!!!

For some reason I feel like i need to go on a honesty spill and just let everything i feel out to the people that need to know...so ima do that and ill give u all an update to the reactions..

.:::*My Puzzle Piece*:::.

Around the month of january 2008 my life changed and its crazy because it wasnt something i noticed at first sight...little did i know i met my puzzle piece!

My puzzle piece is so special to me and she probably doesnt know how much...im blessed to have her in my life...i know i can count on her for anything...

When we met it started out as a group thing...we had our lil "clique" or what not but as time progressed our clique drifted away...everybody started doing there own thing but me and the puzzle piece got closer...really close actually...to the point where when u saw me u saw her..im always at her house and previous boifriends have gotten mad that i was with her more than i wanted to be with them...but not on some homo shit lets be clear lol

We started off callin each other twin even though we look nothing alike our personalities couldnt be any more the same...and the story behind that is a funny onebut we recently discovered that we are different and the ways we are different fit together like a puzzle piece..wat i dont have she does and what she doesnt have i do...

The day i realized she was a true friend and would always be there for me was the day she comforted me when i was having a hard time dealing with my sisters death...she told me tht even though my sister was gone God put her in my life for a reason so she could be myh big sister since she is technically older than me..that really touched my heart and to this day i still tear up everytime i think about her telling me that...

Since that day, she doesnt know it but i made a pact to myself not to lose her as a friend...and shes going off to college in fall and since im younger shes leaving me and i feel like its going to be hard going places without her and having somebody to just chill with because i dont talk to a lot of females and i need somebody to help me with my lies to get out of the house and to some party tht i dont really need to be at lol...but i keep tellin her i dont want her to go and i really dont but i know shes still gonna be in nc so ill get to see her i just dont want us to fall apart..

People always ask me is she my best friend..and i always say no because shes more than that she is my puzzle piece and best friends arent always needed for u to be complete like a puzzle piece is for a puzzle.

But on a happy note..when i turn 18 we plan on getting puzzle piece tattoos to symbolize how we will always need each to be complete..and i cant wait!!

To wrap it up I LOVE MY PUZZLE PIECE even when she is gettin on my nerves or callin me over her house just to make breakfast..I'd do it for her anyway...honestly I'd do anything for her..

My Special K!!

So everybody knows Special K is a Kelloggs cereal and from the commercials it seems as though people really like it...but this post is something entirely different from the cereal..

When i was n 7th grade almost 4 years ago i met one of my closet friends Kourvioisier aka KTR...he was n 8th grade and we didnt talk tht much during school but afterschool is where he used to get on my nerves lol...our friendship was kinda hard to expain then because we never talked outside of school or anything but we knew we were friends..at least after he used to try to beat me up and slam me on the ground in my good clothes lol..but we was cool anyway.

During these times is when i realized he was a rapper and apart of our famous school group FIF..they dropped their first mixtape and i was happy i got a shoutout lol...but now i see he is one of the most dedicated and talented rappers i know...

But our realtionship now has changed..when he got to highschool we lost contact till abt the summer of his junior year...we reconnected and our friendship picked up where it left off...in the first couple of weeks he knew more about me then i probably knew about myself...which was crazy to me because i didnt think i could open up to anybody like that...

But it was crazy at the same time because a lot of people thought it was something more than tht..im tryna find the right words to say because i dnt want to upset anybody but our realtionship was simply platonic and we would try to express tht but people had their own beliefs...we kept trying to hide our friendship just so people wouldnt get the wrong idea even though we werent doing anything wrong if i was on the outside lookin in i would think the samething so i understood..

Then things started to change and we stopped talkin as much..i think it started when i started going with his friend and fellow group mate..he told me he felt as though i was replacing him which was def. not the case...idk wat was going on or why we stopped talking...but i never thought of it as us growing apart..cuz i knew that if i ever need him he would be there and vice versa...

By writing this i want him to know that i will always be here for him and i will always want him to be happy...He is my special K!

.:::There's no Need to Argue, Parents just dont Understand:::.

For the most part, me and my mama have an okay relationship...she wants to know everything that it going on with me, just like any parent would but I refuse to let her in..

This is because she is soo mean and people tell me its because she cares and she just wants whats best for me..but i dnt believe it...

I really think she wants to live her life through me...she wants me to be the A student she was in high school and get involved in things she was involved in..but thats not me...we are total opposite when it comes to high school life...im in more of the social part of high school and i love being with my friends...well that causes a lot of arguments with in the household..

Today we argued because i didnt come straight home from school and clean the house..instead i stayed out until 630! She said i wasnt responsible enough to do the things that needed to be done in the house before i went out..but i feel as though y should it matter when it gets done when its not going anywhere...but i dont say anything..

When my mama argues she gets dirty and her threats get violent..i try not to say anything because that just adds fuel to the fire..so i sit there and take it..i may shed a fear tears but im done with letting her get to me..she wants to have control over every aspect of my life and she wont allow me to make mistakes of my own because she feels i will make the same ones she did...

When we argued today she said something that made me break down and every time i replay it in my head i start crying all over again..she told me that i dont have patience for my lil sister and i need to start doing more with her...she said that i go through hell and high water with my friends but wont play a simple game with her...but the thing that got me was when she said and just like Brittany (my deceased older sister) if she were to be gone i would be hurt...that itself hurt me because she knows how hurt i am about my sisters death and for her to just throw it around like that hurt deep.....

My feelings right now are soo hard to explain..I just dont want to argue anymore..it gets me no where and it always ends the same...me crying alone behind the closed doors of my room...

My Room is My Sanctuary

Sanctuary:
–noun, plural -ar⋅ies.
1.a sacred or holy place.

My room is my sanctuary.its the place i go to for peace.the only place i can escape the world and everything in it.constantly i run to my sanctuary for the peace that i long for.its the place i shed all my tears.and the place i tell god all my fears.i pray in my sanctuary when no one else is around.not because im ashamed to do it out loud or in public but my prayers are between me and god.some people cant understand why i love to be in my sanctuary and they will probably never understand the things that take place here but thats fine because its between me and my sanctuary.

my mom is one of the people that dosnt get me and my sanctuaries attachment.she feels that if i continue to close myself in it i will go crazy from not interacting with the oustide world.but little does she know my roo protects me from the outside world.its the place i run to after ive done something im not proud of.its the place that i just lay in the dark and listen to the music that soothes my mind.i now run there after my heart is broken and i dont know where else to go.behind these walls is where i love to be.i leave all the pain at the threshold and lay all my burdens upon my bed so that the weight is taken off my shoulders for the time being.thats when my sanctuary offers me my peace that ive been longing for.

Headache Thoughts

I have the most terrible headache Ive had in a long time and i think its because i think too much..

so since i last posted I have found me a boyfriend and honestly he is somebody that makes me really happy..because he thinks like me and we are the same page about what we are looking for and what we want out of a relationship..he makes me laugh without even trying...I hope we last and this is something real and i really think it is...

But then my thoughts get in the way...this isnt the first time ive thought something was real and would last and then it doesnt and its making me hesitate when im talking to him..i dont want to put myself fully out there cause that leaves room for me to get hurt and i cant handle that..but i feel as though he is somebody i can put myself out there with and he wont hurt me..but idk, who ever knows this early in a relationship?? I guess i should just take it day by day and move on his clock so that i will know what he is thnking and where he wants this to go....

ps:: after finishing this my headache has gone away!!

.::Beach Time::.

So i recently took a trip to the beach and yes i know it might seem crazy to do being that its cold and all, but it was a way for me to get out of Durham and im glad i did. it was a way for me to leave everything behind and think about what i want for a change.

While there i camt to the conclusion that Im ready to be in a relationship..but not just any type of relationship..i want a real one..one that will make me happy..i wanna be with somebody that wants to be with me as much as i want to be with them..i dont think i ask for a lot when it comes to what im looking for but it seems so hard to find.

But back to the beach...it was a a very relaxing experience and just something i think everybody should experience even though it was cold the calming of the water and wind made it easy to forget about my worries...

The Realest Fakest Person

So yea I walk around claiming to be a "real girl" or whatever when in actuallity Im one of the fakest people you ever meet. I know its not something to be proud of and trust me Im not bragging, Im simply going to explain why I am this way:

Have u ever done something u wish u hadnt and u want to forget?
Well I have in fact i do it a lot and being that i want to forget about it I pretend it never happened. Therefore when im questioned about it I deny it to the max..making me a liar..which means im fake!

Have u ever denyed something because u were embarassed or because u knew the person would be mad?
Well I have and for the longest time Ive been able to live with it.
I hate for somebody I care about to be mad at me so therefore if I did something that I know somebody will get mad at i deny it..therefore making me a liar...which means im fake!!

So Im pretty sure u get my drift..Ima liar and that means Im fake.

But I lie because I do things that i dont want people to know about. Im a private person and people are just nosey. I lie to people i care about because I have a fear that if they knew the "real" me and all the things i do and have done they will be so quick to judge and not understand..

There are alot of things that I have done that people have no clue about and I want to keep it that way....

So there u go Im the fakest person you'll probably ever meet and thats the realest thing I've ever said

Things Happen so FAST!!!!!!!!!!

So its only the 2nd day of the new year and already sooo much has happened!

New Years eve me and my boyfriend got into a big argument all over me not coming all the way out of my way to pick him up because his new year plans fell through. He felt as though i wasnt willing to make a sacrafice for him but it wasnt that..it was the fact tht we had made pans for new years tht didnt include one another but as soon as his plans fell through i was expected to drop everything i was doing to go get him..

Had the circumstances been different and I wasnt doing anything i wouldve went to get him no problem..its not like i didnt want to be with him but I wasnt by myself, i was droppin my car off, and i wouldve been altering everybody i was with plans..

So after all of tht i havent spoken to him since..its hard to say if we are still together or not when i keep trying to talk to him and he wont reply to anything i say..idk wat to do or if i should do anything at all..

Maybe i should just wait to see how things play out but like he tells me "Im not gone wait forever" its a new year and Im not tryin to have repeat performances from dudes..I deserve more!

New Year but no New Me!

So I sat and thought about everything i did in the year 2008 and everything i wanted to do in 2009...and i came to the conculsion that i dont need to change myself or the way i act!

Having to change the way i act or the things i do would mean that something was wrong with me before and that is def. not the case! I"m happy with my life at the moment and the way i act is fine.

So new years is no big deal to me just a new date and the year i finally become LEGAL!!! but no worries I'm living the way i want to regardless of wht anybody else thinks and thts the way i've been doing it!