Letting it go && taking some ME time!

Im not sure whats been going on with me lately but I feel so damn unappreciated! like nothing I do has any value anymore or like people dont get me.

Ive never really been a people person and my mama tells me its because Im afraid of getting rejected by people, which is partially true. I might appear to be this girl who has a lot of friends and who loves to be in crowds but Im not. Im the girl with only 3 true friends and who loves to sit in her room with her tv and radio. I never needed all the attention most females need and Ive never really wanted it.

But at times I find myself longing for company. and even though my girls are the best and I wouldnt trade them for the world. Its hard to have a relationship when I spend most of my time with them. But the thing is, Im not ready to give it up. Im not ready to put a dude before them or blow them off because a dude wants to chill with me or something like that. it takes me so long
to open up to people that when i do find someone i can open up to i dont want to let them go, and thats how i feel about my girls.

I tell myself all the time that i want to be in a relationship and that im ready for love but to be honest with you and myself...Im not and idk when i will ever be..all the times ive been in a relationship where love was even mentioned i get suckered by the thought that this other person could actually be someone im with for a while and then something happens and its all over, just like that..the thing is that they let go with no problem where im the one holding on to the possiblility of us getting back together months and years later...I need to let it go...its getting me no where and its only hindering the future i could have with other guys.

So after todays events i have made it clear to myself and my friends that i need so "ME TIME" its nothing theyve done and im not gonna stop talkin to them..i just need to recollect myself...

Its crazy because im sitting here crying because i feel like i have lost myself in this life that used to be mine...but as i look back its not mine anymore idk who it belongs to but i need to get my old self back and the only way to do that is to step back and change all the things that have changed.

Just waking up

I just woke uo not to long ago..but i already feel my mind racing...im trying to figure out what today will belike and what events will take place....

Me and my girls supposed to be going to this party later on tonight..im kinda excited because i havent been to a party in durham in a min...i know itll probably be like all the other parties in the past but Lil Ru supposed to be performing at this party and his song "Nasty Song" is my favorite!! but who knows...we'll see when we get there!!

But besides that there are so many people i want to see today...idk how i would go about seeing them all but its the thought that counts and to know that i at least thought about coming to see you (whoever u are) should be enough..ill probably end up chillin in the house washing clothes until i leave tonight

Lost Thoughts

So Im just sitting here in my bed and Ihave all these random thoughts going on in my head..Let me elaborate::

Recently life for me has been crazy/entertaining....a lot of things have happened that no body really knows about..

A couple of weeks ago my friends and i made a pact to become celibate and stay celibate until I graduate in June 2010..long time huh? tell me about it!!! there is nothing like saying u not gone do something when its not being offered to u but as soon as u tell yourself u not gone do it offers come in from left to right and front to back...so had to fight the temptation we had to keep pushing the date back just so we wouldnt break the pact. lol funny shit...but now we have it under control for the most part and we have been doing good we are always with each other so we can count on each other to keep the others in line...

Coming to our beach experience! This was the first trip me and my girls went on out of town together and boy did we have fun and get away from all the bull city drama...which was desperately needed...The room to say the least was crowded and in all we had 21 kids with us....talk about a babysitting service...but oh no because I drove i refused to be in a room the whole time doing nothing....each day we stayed in the room till about 6 or 8...then we went out to the strip..went to the club...and on the last night chilled wit sum dudes we met who happened to stay in Fayetteville...but nothing serious with that just a good time outside the room chillin with people who didnt know us and who we didnt know...left a lot of room for conversation abd conferences lol....but that was about it at the beach..

We've been home for about 3 days now and i feel like i never left really..like nothing has changed since ive been gone..the problems i had to deal with before i left never got resolved and they were here waiting for me when i returned...sucks right??? but oh well my vacay was good while it lasted...now its time to face reality and see that now its time to get serious...i need to buckle down and find me that person i can be with and want to be with...

I keep thinkin that maybe if i stop lookin someone will find me but it seems that when i stop they do too lol...but naw i dont really put myself out there like that so the only ppl i seem to attract are my exes...and i hate back trackin...there is only ONE guy i would back track on and he knows who he is...so i really dont knopw what to do with that..i guess i could put myself out there more..but there are some ppl and things im just not ready to let go of yet...